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Less than Hero/Transcript
Credits. Caption: Soon To Be A Major Religion. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela dials the videophone and it connects. The SewerCom logo appears on the screen.]'' SewerCom Operator: phone female voice Your call is being male voice connected female voice by SewerCom. Reach out and touch the sewers. :parents appear on the screen. Munda: screen Look, Morris, it's Leela calling. Leela: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Ready for your big trip to the surface? Morris: screen We're excited, honey, but we don't wanna embarrass you. I mean, your mother and I are basically monsters. Leela: Dad, relax. You are being so mutant! Munda: screen I found this adorable little bag to wear over my head. puts it on. And it was on sale! Leela: No one's wearing anything adorable over their head. Now listen, I could never, ever be ashamed of my parents. I'll see you this weekend. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Hermes and Amy relax on the sofa while Zoidberg, Bender and Fry have a game of poker at the table. Zoidberg has bet a fish. Enter Leela.]'' Leela: Hey, guess who I just got off the videophone with? Bender: No. Leela: My parents! They're coming up from the sewers for a visit Sunday. :gasps in horror. Amy: Are you off your rocket? Your parents are mutants. It's illegal for them to come above ground 'cause they're inferior genetic scum. Uh, present company excluded, of course. Leela: I'm getting them a special one-day surface permit from Citihall. Hermes: Ooh. While you're there, could you pick me up a licence to kill? Leela: Sure. Bare hands or weapon? Hermes: Uh, what does piano wire count as? :Farnsworth. Farnsworth: Good news, anyone. The Swedish robot from Pi-kea is here with the super collider I ordered. πkea Robot: Enjoy your affordable Swedish crap. :it rolls out, one of it's wheels falls off and it's shelf breaks. Fry, Leela and Bender open the box. Fry picks up the instructions. Fry: Let's see what tools we'll need. Hammer. Uh-huh. Screwdriver. Uh-huh. unit. Uh-huh. Alright, we're all set. :takes a board out of the box and puts it down. Bender: Nothing like the rustic wholesomeness of working with one's own hand. :hand spins like a circular saw and he cuts the board in half. :Lapse. Fry and Leela tighten the last nut with Bender. Bender: Ah, there. Finished. And with only six missing pieces! Fry: Those Swedes sure know how to put in almost everything you need. :rubs her arm. Leela: Man, I'm sore all over. I feel like I just went ten rounds with Mighty . :rubs his shoulder. Fry: I feel like I was mauled by Jesus. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Zoidberg rummages through a cupboard and produces a tube of ointment.]'' Zoidberg: I've got just the thing: Genuine miracle cream I bought from a travelling salesman. and Leela squeeze some onto their hands and rub it on themselves. "Come one, come all," he said. "Step right up!" "This sounds too good to be true," I thought. He said I looked like a smart, young man. "So is it a deal?" I enquired. Two hours later he was gone, with 60 of my dollars. But I have the miracle cream-- :wall explodes and a charred Farnsworth tumbles through it and lands in a crumpled heap on the other side of the room. Farnsworth: Bad news, nobody. The super collider super-exploded. I need you to take it back and exchange it for a wobbly CD rack and some of those rancid meatballs. :climbs back through the hole. :['''Scene': New New York City Street. Leela and Fry tow the Pi-kea box on a trolley. A man steps out in front of them with his hat covering his hand.]'' Man #1: Excuse me. hi! Do you have a minute? I live in Jersey City and my car broke down and I need to get back because my Aunt's real sick and she needs this medicine but I need money for the bus. So I'm mugging you. Hand over your wallets. Leela: I don't believe that story for a second. Man #1: It doesn't matter, I'm mugging you. Fry: There's no bus to Jersey City. Man #1: Give me your wallets now or my robot'll shoot. :takes his hat off his hand, revealing a small robot holding a gun. Andrew: Don't make me hurt you. :and Leela scream. Fry fumbles for his wallet. Fry: I'm too scared to find my pocket. Here, I'll just take of my pants and give you those. :starts to unzip them. The mugger cringes and puts his hand to his face. Man #1: Hey! I don't like what I'm seeing. Give it to him, Andrew! screams and Andrew shoots. The laser bounces off Fry and takes a chunk out of a wall. Give it to him again, Andrew! shoots and the laser bounces off Fry again and hits an Illegal Fireworks dispenser. The fuses light and they fly off in all directions. What the-- Laser-proof shirts, huh? I'll show you. :picks up a pipe and hits Leela with it. It harmlessly bends as it hits her. Leela: Huh? Hey! Quit it! leaps up. Hi-yah! :grabs the mugger between her legs, spins him around and throws him against a wall. Man #1: Foiled. And after years of planning. Andrew: You're outta the game! :['''Scene': Planet Express: Hangar. Fry sits on the steps while Leela paces around.]'' Leela: How did we manage to survive? What gave us those strange powers? Fry: Maybe we're all wearing magic rings but they're invisible rings so we don't even realise it. Also, you can't feel the rings. :picks up Zoidberg's miracle cream and rubs some on her neck. She reads something on the tube and gasps. Leela: Fry, shut up and look at this! reading May cause superpowers in humans. Fry: Wow! A superpowers drug you can just rub into your skin? You'd think it'd be something you have to freebase. Leela: Let's see. Which powers do we have? Super-strength? :karate-chops a table in half and Leela kicks a hole in the wall. Fry: Yup. Leela: Uh-huh. Lickety speed? :both quickly run to the other end of the hangar. Fry: Check. Leela: Yes, sir! run back. Ability to command the loyalty of sea creatures? Fry: shouting Hey, Zoidberg, get in here! Zoidberg: from elsewhere Screw you! Leela: Ain't got that. Fry: Nope! Leela: Wow. Superpowers! I'll be able to pack my day with twice as many humdrum activities. Fry: Leela, I think you're missing the big picture. When you were a kid, what was your biggest fantasy? Leela: To have parents. Fry: Whatever. The correct answer is: To be a superhero. We have superpowers and we're Americans. This is our chance. Leela: Hmm. I have been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence. Let's do it! Fry: You'll barely regret this! :Bender. Bender: Hey, a friend of mine said he mugged you today and you had superpowers. Leela: It's true. Thanks to this funky-fresh cream. Fry: Now me and Leela are forming an awesome crime-fighting duo. Bender: Wow! Crime-fighting. Cool. You say you're a duo? Yeah, duos are good. Of course sometimes they're a little short-handed. starts walking back up the steps. See you. With two humans, you'd think there'd be a robot in there to balance things out but whatever. opens his chest cabinet. I have these three costumes you could use. But I guess I'll just throw one away. Leela: We'd love to have you on the team, Bender. But aren't you more on the supply side of crime? Fry: Plus the cream won't give you superpowers. You're a robot. Bender: So? I'm already super-strong. And my arms do this. reaches over to the other end of the hangar, grabs a bottle of beer, retracts his arm and hands the bottle to Fry. Also I got this going. :cabinet door opens and closes by itself. Fry and Leela shrug at each other. :['''Scene': Planet Express Roof. The trio, in their superhero garb, stand on the roof looking across the city.]'' Leela: shouting Listen up, New New York: There's a new group of superheroes in town! And we're-- Hattie: from elsewhere Quiet! It's 4am and I just fell asleep for the first time in 30 years! Leela: shouting Sorry! whispering A new era of justice has begun. Hattie: from elsewhere What? :['''Scene': In a similar style to old superhero TV series, we see crime happening across the city.]'' Narrator: voice-over Attention, all crooks, lowlifes and lawbreakers. Do yourselves a favour and crawl back into your filthy tenements, you human cockroaches. Or get your ugly face punched to custard by ... The New Justice Team. :scene changes to a backdrop with The New Justice Team's logo on it. Fry bursts through it. Fry: Captain Yesterday! :bursts through. Leela: Clobberella! :bursts through and pushes Leela aside. Bender: And Superking! The best one of the three! Fry: la James Brown Wow! :['''Montage': The New Justice Team's theme tune starts playing and the scene cuts to a park where Petunia sits on a bench, feeding some rats. A thief snatches her bag.]'' Song: Go, go, go, New Justice Team, :Yesterday swoops in front of the thief. Song: Go, team, Go, team, Team, team, team, :thief dodges him and heads for a travel tube. Song: Who's the newest Justice Team? The New Justice Team! :Yesterday runs along the top of the tube. The thief looks up and sees him and Captain Yesterday follows him underwater. Song: Captain Yesterday is fast, Also he is from the past, Not just fast but from the past, :runs ahead to the end of the tube. Song: Captain Yesterday! :Yesterday turns the tube towards a police station and the thief flies out and into it. Superking takes Petunia's bag. Song: Superking has all the powers of a king, Plus all the powers of Superman, Also he's a robot, Ain't it cool? Superking, you rule! :looks down from a rooftop and sees an alien's cat is stuck up a tree. Song: Clobberella beats you up, Clobberella beats you up, Who does she beat up? You! :brings the cat safely down from the tree and hands it to the alien. The alien eats it. Song: Clobberella! :New Justice Team jumps from rooftop to rooftop. Song: Citizens, never fear, Crazy do-good freaks are here, Until they run out of steam... :and Leela fall from a rooftop into a bin. Song: Miracle cream, Miracle cream, Gives the power to the team, :takes the miracle cream out of her boot and she and Captain Yesterday rub it on themselves and spring back into action. Song: It's effects wear off for sure, So they just slop on some more, The New Justice Team! :lands in front of them. Bender: Ta-da! :['''Scene': New New York City Street. A crook is put into the back of a police van. Crowds cheer the New Justice Team.]'' Woman: sexfully Captain Yesterday, I find your skintight high-waters incredibly sexy. Let's get together sometime. Fry: Sure. I'm listed in the phone book so once I reveal my real name to you along with my home address and a copy of my birth certificate-- :pulls him away from the woman. Leela: Are you crazy? We have to keep our secret identities secret. Fry: From everybody? Leela: Especially from everybody. Fry: Give several reasons why. Leela: For one, superheroes cause a lot of collateral damage, and we don't wanna get our butts sued. Fry: Or do we? No, I guess not. Leela: Also, if our identities get out, every crook in the city will be after us. Or, God forbid, our loved ones. Bender: Superking has no need for loved ones. Tim holds out a pad for Superking's autograph. Bender signs it and kicks his crutch away. He falls down in a crumpled heap. How ya doin', kid? :['''Scene': Citihall: Mayor's Office. Mayor Poopenmeyer signs the surface permits for Leela.]'' Poopenmeyer: There you go. Two one-day mutant surface passes. Leela: Thank you, Mayor Poopenmeyer. :phone rings. Poopenmeyer: Mayor here. What's that? Horrible crime in the works? Ruthless villain? Citizens in danger? That's fantastic news! hangs up. Because I get to summon the New Justice Team! :presses the nose on a clown picture. Bender's antenna wobbles. He clasps his hands around it. Leela: Sh! Poopenmeyer: Uh, they're usually here by now. Leela: Well, so long. Keep in touch. :start to leave. Poopenmeyer: Wait, stay and meet the superheroes. There's three of you and three of them so it'll be perfect. turns around and presses the button again. Bender wobbles again. Is this clown on? Where are those daring crime stoppers? Leela: Oh, I completely forgot. I left my apartment on fire! :leaves. Bender: Uh, as for me, I'm late for my LSAT's. :leaves. Fry: And I can't take life anymore. :runs and jumps through the window and breaks through another one as Captain Yesterday. Clobberella and Superking run in on the other side of the room. Poopenmeyer: Clobberella! Captain Yesterday! My liege! You're just in time. presses a button and a hologram appears. We've received a tip that the Museum of Natural History will be robbed tomorrow at exactly 9am. The target: The priceless Quantum Gemerald. Fry: Who's the perp? :hologram changes. Poopenmeyer: A dangerous villain known as The Zookeeper, who commits crimes aided by a pack of highly-trained animals. Fry: Pack of highly. Got it! Poopenmeyer: His crew includes a badger with a troubled past and nothing left to lose, an elephant who never forgets -- to kill! And a seldom-used crab named Lucky, a.k.a. Citizen Snips. Leela: You can count on us, Mr. Mayor. Justice away! :and Fry run out with Bender gasping and puffing behind them. Bender: gasping Hold the elevator! :['''Scene': Planet Express: Bathroom. Leela addresses an envelope to her parents and puts the surface passes in and flushes it down the toilet.]'' Bender: We're in here too. Fry: Uh, Leela, how you gonna meet your folks tomorrow? We've already scheduled the Zookeeper for a 9am foiling at the museum. Leela: Not a problem. I've cleverly arranged to meet my parents right there at the same museum at 10. Bender: 9, 10 a big fat hen. takes a puff of his cigar. The name's Bender! :['''Scene': Museum of Natural History. The New Justice Team sit atop a giant ant which is suspended from the ceiling.]'' Leela: I can't believe the Zookeeper is this late for his own heist. It's just rude! clock strikes 10. Total hell! It's 10! I'm supposed to meet my parents and I'm still in my secret costume! Morris and Munda. Leela gasps. There they are! :and Munda look around, disappointed. Munda: How could Leela not be here? Do you think she forgot? Morris: Relax. I'm sure she's just ashamed of us. Security Guard: Yo! Freakjobs! Hit the nearest manhole, pronto, like. Morris: But we have passes that allow us to be up here. From the mayor himself. :hands the passes to the security guard. Security Guard: I dunno. I never heard of no mayor. :the Zookeeper. Randy: The Zookeeper! Zookeeper: Sorry I'm late. Long story. Now everybody hit the deck! I'm cutting the entire line and stealing the exhibit. :New Justice Team drop to the floor in front of him. Leela: You're not stealing anything! Nobody hit the deck! Zookeeper: Ah, the superheroes. Or should I say super''zeroes''! Fry: sad That was uncalled for. Zookeeper: Animals, attack. :blows a silent whistle and animal exhibits come to life and break out of the glass cases. They run rampage. Tour Guide: Please do not feed the animals! :[An elephant picks her up and eats her. In a scene lifted from ''Batman the New Justice Team spring into action. A yak charges towards Fry and he punches it. "YAK!!!" comes across the screen. Bender picks a fight with a boxing kangaroo.]'' Bender: You're going down, my friend! Down Under! :laughs. The kangaroo punches him. "01001010!!!" comes up. Teddy Roosevelt's head watches. Roosevelt: Man boxing a kangaroo is a peculiar spectacle. But a kangaroo boxing a robot? Now I'm afraid you've lost me. crab drops into his jar and pinches him. shouting Citizen Snips! :Zookeeper lifts a grate and pushes a snake through the hole. The snake reaches into the Quantum Gemerald case and takes it. Zookeeper: Nice job, Fingers! :kisses it. Munda: I'm scared and confused. I think we've wandered into an off-Broadway play. Morris: No, there are way too many people here. :Zookeeper runs up a flight of stairs. Zookeeper: Later, if anyone asks when I got away, tell them right now! :and Captain Yesterday leap in front of him. Leela: Forget it, Zookeeper! You're going into captivity. Zookeeper: Fool! A quip about putting me behind bars would have been far more delicious. Here, catch! :throws the Gemerald over the side of the stairs. Fry leaps for it and goes over the edge too. Leela: No, Fry! You can't fall fast enough! :runs down the stairs while the Zookeeper runs off in another direction. Bender holds out his arms at the bottom of the staircase. Bender: I got it, I got it! screams. I don't got it! :dives in front of him and catches the Gemerald. Fry falls on top of Bender. Everyone cheers. Roosevelt: You've saved the Gemerald! Fry: Yet the Zookeeper escaped, thus proving that the deadliest animal of all is the Zookeeper. Bender: You can get off me anytime. Leela: Oh, no! My parents are leaving. I've gotta go change back into street-Leela. :turns to leave but Mayor Poopenmeyer and several photographers block her path. Photographer #1: It's the New Justice Team! Photographer #2: Can we get some photos? Poopenmeyer: Thank you, mysterious heroes. The value of the Gemerald you saved is slightly greater than the cost of the damage you caused to this museum. A net gain for our great city! :crowd cheers and Poopenmeyer kisses Bender's hand. People take photographs. Leela looks around sadly. :['''Scene': Outside Museum of Natural History. Morris sets some cones down by a manhole.]'' Munda: It's good that Leela doesn't love us. She'll be less sad when we die. :lifts the manhole cover and helps Munda into it. He climbs in after her, takes the cones and replaces the cover. Leela comes out of the museum just as they disappear. Leela: Mom? Dad? I showed up! And I got the audio tour for Treasures of Liberace's Tomb. :looks around and sighs. She sits down on the step and cries. :['''Scene': The Turangas' Living Room. Leela is with her parents.]'' Morris: Sweetie, it's OK. You don't have to apologise for standing us up on the only visit to the surface we'll ever have. Leela: I wanna tell you why I didn't show up, but I can't. Just please believe me that it was a very good reason. I'm sorry I disappointed you. Munda: Leela, you could never disappoint us. Morris: We're so proud of everything that you are, and we always will be. Because you're our baby girl. :both smile. Leela: Oh, I can't take it! Mom, Dad, I'm Clobberella! :rips her clothes off revealing her Clobberella outfit. Munda gasps. Morris: Galloping gators! Munda: You're a superhero? laughs. Well that's wonderful! But did you have to make the costume so revealing? :puts his arm around Leela. Morris: Look at me! Proud dad of a superhero! We should print up T-shirts. And F-shirts for our friends with two arms on the same side. Leela: No, listen. It's very important that you never, ever tell anyone under any circumstance. Morris: What if I've had a few? Leela: Dad, you drink? No. Not even then. Morris: Alright. My sucker is sealed. Leela: In fact, I shouldn't even be wearing this around here. rips off her costume, revealing her normal clothes. Morris and Munda stare. It was brisk, I dressed in layers. Munda: That's my girl! :['''Scene': Lake Mutagenic. Morris, Raoul and the Leg Mutant sit in a boat, fishing at the state recreation sewer.]'' Morris: So, uh, anyway, my daughter's Clobberella. Raoul: Leela is Clobberella? Leg Mutant: You're pulling me! Morris: Sh. keep it under your sock. It's a big secret. That's why I'm only telling you two. :the shore, a big-eared mutant and a big-mouthed mutant watch. Big-Eared Mutant: Oh, my God! That guy's daughter is Clobberella. But don't tell anyone. Big-Mouthed Mutant: shouting Gotcha! :['''Scene': Planet Express: Meeting Room. Farnsworth, Fry, Leela and Bender sit around the table. The Zookeeper appears on the screen.]'' Zookeeper: screen Greetings, superheroes. Remember me? :Leela and Bender gasp. Farnsworth: I don't remember much, buddy. And you're no looker! Leela: Uh, Professor, isn't it time for your nap? Farnsworth: Yes, damnit! :falls asleep and his chair flies out of the room. Leela: Zookeeper! How did you know our real identities? Zookeeper: screen Let's just say a little bird told me. :claps and a parrot lands on his shoulder. Parrot: screen Leela told her parents. Leela's parents blabbed. :Zookeeper gives it a cracker. Fry: Leela, is the person that parrot is mimicking telling the truth by proxy? Leela: Yes. My parents were so hurt, I couldn't help it! But I distinctly told them not to tell anyone. :puts on his crown. Bender: We are not amused. Zookeeper: screen And here's something you may or may not find interesting. :claps and a gorilla comes in pulling a cage that holds Leela's parents. Leela gasps. Leela: Mom! Dad! Munda: screen Leela, please forgive us! Especially your father who's the one who told. Thank you very much, Morris. Leela: Are you alright? Has he hurt you? Morris: screen No but my allergies are going nuts. sneezes. Oh, God! Munda: screen Every couch and table has animal fur all over it. He lets them climb on everything! Leela: Alright, Zookeeper. What do you want? Zookeeper: screen Why, the Quantum Gemerald of course! You must steal it for me before midnight or your parents will be devoured by piranhas that I have, shall I say, persuaded to walk on dry land. :laughs. Munda: screen Save us, Leela! I mean, if you don't have anything better to do. :piranha walks past the camera and bites it. The picture cuts out. Leela: We're out of options. We have to steal the Gemerald! Fry: But, should superheroes commit a crime, even to save lives? I need moral guidance. Bender? Bender: Hmm. The thought of stealing anything fills Superking with disgust. But if it must be so, then let a museum heist be pulled! :['''Scene': Planet Express: Locker Room. Leela opens her locker. The miracle cream tube is empty. Fry picks it up.]'' Fry: Oh, no! Our superpower cream is out of itself! Leela: Check inside the cap. There might be a caked-in goldmine. :unscrews the cap and looks inside. Fry: El zilcho! I'm afraid we're boned. Bender: El zilcho? Is it too late to change my superhero name? :['''Scene': Museum of Natural History. Enter the New Justice Team.]'' Leela: Just be cool. Nobody knows we're super-powerly challenged. :gasps. Fry: Man, this costume is so damn heavy! 7¹¹ Clerk: Hey, Captain Yesterday? Can I, like, wail on you with this 2-by-4 and it doesn't hurt you? :whacks Fry. Fry: Ow! That ... didn't hurt. Security Guard: Hi, superheroes. Everything OK? Leela: Big O, little k, my friend! Just checking if everything's alright. Security Guard: It's OK, alright! Leela: OK, then. Grab it! :arm extends, breaks the display case and grabs the Gemerald. The crowd gasps. Tate: Yo! The superheroes have turned evil! Most uncool. Security Guard: Get 'em! Leela: Stay back! Or we'll, beat the tar out of you ... using superpowers! :makes ghostie noises. :['''Cut to': Outside Museum of Natural History. The superheroes run out and down the steps.]'' :['''Scene': Cave.]'' Fry: So this is your lair? Zookeeper: Of course not. You think I'd show you my lair? My lair's a million times nicer than this! Fry: OK, take it easy! Bender: Well, here's your lousy Gemerald. :Zookeeper claps. Zookeeper: Hawk! Fetch! :hawk flies off his shoulder and picks up the Gemerald. Fry: That seemed unnecessary. :gorilla pulls the cage in. Zookeeper: Our transaction is complete. Come, Solomon. To the lair. :gorilla picks him up and runs off down a dark passage. Leela: Mom! Dad! Oh, I'm so sorry I got you kidnapped by a crazy madman who tried to feed you to piranhas. Munda: We're just happy to be involved in your life. Leela: No, no. It's my fault for telling you I was a superhero. Morris: That's true. Leela: I just couldn't stand to have you to think I was ashamed of you. Munda: That's sweet, honey. But it's natural for children to be a little ashamed of their parents. Fry: Oh, yeah! Morris: Just like it's natural for parents to be a little disappointed in their children-- N-Not that we are. Munda: But you could call a little more often. Leela: OK. Munda: And would it kill you to use some mouthwash? :hugs them. Bender: Hey, Fry, we've still got our costumes on. Wanna steal some more stuff? Fry: I guess, as long as you think it's right. Bender: Superheroes away! :Credits. Over the credits a montage of clips from the episode as well as a new version of The New Justice Team song play. Song: Go, go, go, New Justice Team, Fighting justice is their quest, Superking, Clobberella, and all the rest, Here's to you, New Justice Team, Do the things that make your team, Help each other do some things, Winners don't use drugs, Category:Season 4 Scripts Category:Episode Transcripts Category:Transcripts